Embracing the Crazy

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Today I love that my floor is covered in wooden trivets, that at the other corner of the kitchen my son is pulling cutting boards out of the cupboard and neatly stacking them in a pile (he's so smart). I love that he has pulled all of the spoons out of the dishwasher and attempted to put them back unsuccessfully. 

I love that as I'm trying to clean the kitchen after last nights dinner party, it's getting more cluttered beneath my feet. 
 
Right now, I love watching my son think, and play, and make a huge mess.
 
Yesterday I did not feel this way. 
 
Yesterday I felt guilty for not knowing how I felt about being a mother from one minute to the next, confused that I could feel so many conflicting things just minutes apart. As soon as Graham was down for his nap I drove to Joann's craft store and literally walked every…single…. isle of the store like a zombie trying to balance my thoughts and control my emotions…trying to figure out why some days it's so hard.
 
And then before bed I stumbled upon this article a friend shared on Facebook. It's actually about asking better questions to open up real communication in your home…which is of course awesome. But what really stuck with me was the paragraph (below) as she described her answer to the question, "how was your day?" 

"And I’d want to say:

How was my day? Today has been a lifetime. It was the best of times and the worst of times. There were moments when my heart was so full I thought I might explode, and there were other moments when my senses were under such intense assault that I was CERTAIN I’d explode. I was both lonely and absolutely desperate to be alone. I was saturated- just BOMBARDED with touch and then the second I put down this baby I yearned to smell her sweet skin again. I was simultaneously bored out of my skull and completely overwhelmed with so much to do. Today was too much and not enough. It was loud and silent. It was brutal and beautiful. I was at my very best today and then, just a moment later, at my very worst. At 3:30 today I decided that we should adopt four more children, and then at 3:35 I decided that we should give up the kids we already have for adoption. Husband – when your day is completely and totally dependent upon the moods and needs and schedules of tiny, messy, beautiful rug rats your day is ALL OF THE THINGS and NONE OF THE THINGS, sometimes within the same three minute period. But I’m not complaining. This is not a complaint, so don’t try to FIX IT. I wouldn’t have my day Any.Other.Way. I’m just saying- it’s a hell of a hard thing to explain- an entire day with lots of babies.

But I’d be too tired to say all of that. So I’d just cry, or yell, or smile and say “fine,” and then hand the baby over and run to Target to wander aisles aimlessly, because that’s all I ever really wanted."

I have never read such a spot on description of how I often feel…and I only have one!

It's amazing how reading someone else's words can help me process how and why I feel a certain way, and somehow make it easier to accept. I'm not sure if that makes any sense at all.  Honestly, some days I feel like I'm still learning to embrace motherhood and not run from it. Reading that article helped me see that I'm not completely crazy (or alone)…and that I truly CAN be thinking and feeling so many things at the same time…and that it's normal and ok.  

So today i'm choosing to be ok with that mix of emotions. I'm choosing not to feel guilty about feeling overwhelmed at times. And I'm choosing to embrace the crazy. 🙂
 
Hope you have a wonderful day…even in all of it's crazy ups and downs!
 
Gisele
 
If you want to read the rest of the article, it's here. I had never heard of this blog but I'll definitely be checking it out in more depth!
 
 
 
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