Graham weened himself from breastfeeding cold turkey last week…my whole world has turned upside down.
(it all started with a danged ear infection)
I was feeling confident, somewhat in "control", well-scheduled and happy with how things were going. It hasn't been that hard recently…ha.
It's as if I was this superhero and in the matter of one day my powers were completely stripped from me. I feel completely helpless…
My schedule is completely thrown off…the feeding times that I used to spend preparing mentally/re-focusing my day, journaling about life, checking my calendar, emails, and my social media stuff..that's gone. Suddenly I have more "Graham awake" time and less energy/ideas to fill it….this kid needs to start crawling/walking. (Mobility: Another thing I'm super excited but completely terrified about.)
We used to ease so nicely into our day together…oh how I took that for granted.
But worse than the schedule stuff, I feel completely ill-equipped to comfort my baby. It used to be that if he was hurt, sick, over-whelmed or just over-exhausted, I could nurse him for a few minutes and all was right in the world again…he became grounded and balanced…the day was manageable again.
I'm not quite sure what happened but I feel like it must be related that suddenly he is cranky a LOT, inconsolable at times and testing me on a daily basis…He wants to be held but pushes away, he's starting to hit when he is told NO, he's fighting sleep (super unusual), and is super whiny…could it be that my precious baby transformed into a toddler right before my eyes in a matter of days? Talk about a shock to the system.
My energy levels are suddenly focused completely on attempting to:
- figure out how to help him flourish with this new freedom he's chosen
- what to adjust in his sleeping/eating schedule so he isn't over-exhausing himself
- how to encourage him to be mobile and keeping him busy all while realizing the sudden need for more discipline is becoming blaringly obvious
- and experiencing frustration that he doesn't seem to respond to said discipline anyways…woah!
The thought of picking up my camera right now or doing anything creative sounds exhausting but I know that it would give my mind a break from my current state of anxiousness.
I know that everything is going to be ok.
I know that he can't breastfeed forever.
I know that we're lucky to have nursed for 14 months.
I know that independence is a good thing.
I know that he still needs me.
I know that I'll find a way to comfort him again.
I know that there is frustration in learning new things.
I know that sometimes what is best for us is difficult and often painful.
I know that eventually we will fall into a new groove…if only for a couple of weeks.
I know that I have a new found compassion for what Nate experiences trying to comfort Graham without having milk producing "super powers".
I know that the new feelings of just "living for bedtime" won't last forever.
I know that this being a mom thing is SO trying some days…but it's SO worth it…no question.
Ah, sometimes I just need to process it all…work it out in my head and come to terms with the way my life is going right now. Thank you for letting me to do that, and for reading! 🙂
Oh…and if any of you experienced parents have any advice for me, please feel free share your wisdom with this floundering Mama!!
Have a great one!