Yesterday’s Hopes

Written 11-25-13
 
Hoping…for an amazing opportunity.
 
Today is going to be a great day regardless of what happens, or doesn't, but it has the potential to be really fantastic.
 
Trying not to check my email constantly.
 
Knowing that the competition is steep. 
 
Knowing that I prayed for whatever was supposed to happen, would…
…for the outcome to reflect what I could handle without having foresight into my future.
 
Knowing that recieving that email would be one of the coolest things ever, but not receiving it won't collapse my world. 
 
Knowing that there are so many, much bigger, deeper, heart making or breaking, things going on today for those around me.
 
Knowing that although it is so big, it is also so small.
 
Knowing that it would be a blessing and gift, a challenge and hard work. 
 
Knowing that regardless, I'm already blessed, already challenged, already alive, loved, supported…and that's a wonderful thing to be.
 
Accepting…that it isn't going to happen.
 
Knowing that it's ok to feel a little sad.
 
Knowing that it doesn't define me.
 
Knowing that not getting that email gives me complete creative freedom.
  
Knowing that it won't magically show up when I check my inbox one last time in the dark as I close my eyes and fall to sleep…but I still check.
 
Knowing that it's ok to hope for things even if the chances are slim…
 
Knowing that if I don't continue to hope
and try
and risk
…then I've lost myself again.
 
It wasn't meant to be and that's ok.
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